Love and Human Remains
by Demosthenes23
Summary: A silly photo recap without the photos.


**So this one is mostly just Jilliam scenes as I didn't have screenshots of much else and therefore shorter than usual.  
**

* * *

At the crime scene:

G: OMG! Gargoyles!

M: U so silly, Bambi. Sometimes UR super annoying and I wish you'd go bother some other detective. JK, I luv U. Hmm, what's up with these weird purple people? [Close up of weird purple person] Me thinks they were poisoned!

J: _My boo is so smart! Time for googly eyes!_

M: _Not U too, Bambi! Must avoid their looks!_

J: Bambi stop that! Leave my boo alone! Anyway, it appears that they've been dead for 2 weeks!

Some dude: U so wrong girl! They be dead for 5 years!

M: Say what?

* * *

In the morgue:

M: Did you know that they found a mummified girl-

J: In a peat bog in the Netherlands? Y yes I did boo.

M: Girl, Y U no let me finish? Y U no let me impress U? [Julia gives a troll face] Eww, what the hell is this?

J: They ate the same food, with lots of cyanide added. Isn't it romantic?

M:...?

J: Now take this boo. Maybe it'll give you some insight into this case.

M: Damn, girl! U stole Bambi's line! [Troll face] Sometimes U make me so angry that I want to strangle U! JK, I luv U!

* * *

In Murdoch's office:

G: This is Penny. She's going to be getting into tons of shenanigans. P.S. She's a bit of a harlot.

P: Oh, is that how U wanna play it? Bambi here writes about U incessantly, detective. He says he wants to be just like U when he grows up into a big strong strapping stag.

M: [WTF and awkwardness]

G: Be gone U she devil! Don't listen to her lies, sir!

M: It's quite all right, Bambi. In fact, I'm extremely flattered that U think so highly of me.

G: For realz?

M: Bambi, when have I ever lied to U?

G: Does this mean U'll finally be my daddy?

M: What's that now?

* * *

In the morgue:

Horace: Eww, grossness!

M: Yes, they are disgusting but please take a close look at their repulsiveness. Do U recognize them Horace?

H: Of course not! It's not like I accidentally killed them 60 years ago!

M: Sry, I was daydreaming about my boo. What did U say?

H: Oh nothing at all, detective. Can I please stop looking at them now? They're creeping me out!

M: But of course sir. I'm surprised U were able to look at them for as long as U did. Now please leave so I can have some quality alone time with my boo. P.S. The morgue's our fave makeout place.

H: Seriously?! That's not disgusting or weird at all! I'm outta here!

[Horace leaves]

M: I felt like he was being sarcastic. He's not right is he?

J: Of course not, boo. I don't know what his problem is. There's something fishy about a man who doesn't like making out around dead people.

M: So does that mean U wanna make out now? I can't concentrate when I'm so close to you anyway. It's a miracle I solve any mysteries.

J: That's sweet, boo. And I'd love to but we probably should get some work done today. We can make out later, deal?

M: Deal.

[A little later]

J: What have we here? Come quick boo! I found a clue!

M: Y do people keep interrupting my daydreams? It's super annoying!

J: Now really, William, I'm just trying to help U! A little gratitude would be nice!

M: Sry, girl. U know I luv U.

J: U R saying that an awful lot lately. Anyway, I think it's a tat.

M: A what?

J: Really, boo? It's a tattoo!

M: How modern of U, Julia. P.S. Could U stop rhyming?

[Later in the morgue]

Some old lady: Ahhh, it's mommy!

M: What's that now?

Some old dude: She said it was a mummy. They've always frightened her.

M: [Starting to get suspicious of everyone]

* * *

Back at the crime scene:

J: Oh crap!

M: What's wrong girl?

J: We've got a baby killer on the loose!

B: Bloody hell! R U 4 real?

J: 'Fraid so, U beautiful British creature.

M: Julia! I'm right here!

J: Sry, boo! I couldn't help myself.

M: It's okay, girl. I know what U mean.

B: [Awkward]

M: Hmm, I have an idea!

* * *

In the morgue:

[Dead mummified baby on display = Epic creepy sadness]

Some old guy: Fine U got us. That's our son, Martin. U happy now? U made 2 old people cry!

M: Y U bury him like that?

Old guy: We thought we did something wrong.

M: U did. U had a baby out of wedlock. That's big no no. Now I'm gonna arrest U 4 UR sin!

J: William! How could U?!

M: Don't worry, girl. I'm not crazy. They be murderers!

J: But the baby died of natural causes!

M: True dat. But the parents were buried close to the baby so they must have killed them as well.

J: Oh I see. How unfortunate. [Super happy] I really like old people! They're absolutely fascinating!

[Later in the morgue]

M: I just spoke with the Hastings in private. If their story is true. There should be laudanum in their bodies. Was there?

J: Nope, just cyanide.

M: Damn, girl! Can't U ever give me good news?

J: I'm sry, boo. Does this mean you're gonna kill them?

M: Not me girl. But someone is if they be liein'!

* * *

Evening stroll:

M: So it turns out that stupid little Horace just accidentally killed them by giving them a disappearing potion.

J: A what?

M: The cyanide.

J: Lol! Little kids R incorrigible!

M: I know right! They're awesome! I want to have a bunch of them someday. U with me?

J:...

M: Julia, Y U no answer me?

J: Oh no reason! Of course I want to have a family!

M: Very good. I luv U girl.

J: Could U please stop saying that so frequently?

M: I can't help it. Don't U luv me?

J: Of course I do. I just don't feel the need to say it constantly.

M: Fair enough. Shall we continue our stroll?

J: Absolutely! Anything to change the topic!

_Oh crap! When am I going to tell him?_

* * *

**So yeah. I did that like a year and a half ago. I think it's still funny/stupid without the photos/at all but I'm biased. What did y'all think?**_  
_


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